Redefining Your Relationship With Self

Read time: 8 minutes

I know what you're thinking: "Here comes another spiel about self-care I absolutely do not have the bandwidth for." But hear me out. We're not talking about those luxurious spa days (though they're great when they happen). We're diving into something deeper, more sustainable, and truly transformative. Let's redefine our relationship with ourselves, shall we?

Framework for Redefinition

When we think about what it means to “redefine” - what are we really saying and what does it mean? Mirriams says it like this:

But I like the Cambridge Dictionary version which states:

That is what Woman Redefined is. We are here to help you recognize that you can change the meaning of the things in your life. Part of our mission is to help you think about something in a new or different way.  And we want you to do that for yourself. 

How to Redefine Your Relationship With Self

Do you think you have a good relationship with yourself?  Ok, boo. Then let's have a real talk about self-sabotage.  You know, those times when you feel like your own worst enemy? It's like looking in a mirror clouded by confusion, not seeing the true you. Listen - if you think you aren't self-sabotaging, ask yourself this:

• Have you ever said yes to something when you really wanted to say no? 

• Do you ever run away when things don't go as planned, and by run away, I mean make up excuses like being sick or "your kids"? 

• Lastly, do you never take breaks even when you are exhausted (but you call it your work ethic) 
  

  Honey Bun! That's self-sabotage! And guess what, it’s ok.

 I’ve struggled with this myself- and at times I wasn’t even aware of how I was inadvertently doing this to myself or avoiding the inevitable. So let me paint a picture for you of how I struggle with this personally-: imagine you've been working hard on a project, and you're on the cusp of reaching a significant milestone. You've put in the hours, done the research, and success is within reach. However, as the moment approaches, you start feeling a surge of deep anxiety, self-pity & self-doubt. That’s me, and I would do this all the time!!

Here's the thing: sometimes, we get so wrapped up in the 'how' of our actions that we lose sight of the 'why' behind them. It's a loop of doubt and confusion and girl, it can be exhausting and totally normal. We all go there. The key is learning when to hit the pause button, process what we feel and make the mental shift. It's about recognizing those moments when we’re undermining ourselves and understanding the reasons behind them. Why do we choose paths that lead us away from our goals? Why do we repeat patterns that don’t serve us? In this scenario, self-sabotage manifests as a subconscious fear of success, leading you to create obstacles ( and make excuses) that hinder your progress. Recognizing this pattern and understanding the underlying reasons behind it are crucial steps toward breaking the cycle of self-sabotage - and that’s where you get to take back your life and WIN!

Now, here's where having a network of supportive friends, a community, or that confidant – comes into play. We all need someone to help wipe that mirror clean, to help us see clearly. They're the ones who remind us of our worth when we forget, who point out our blind spots, and encourage us to question our self-defeating patterns. They even bluntly tell us exactly what we are doing to self-sabotage, and I don’t know about you, but I have had those gut-wrenching- honest moments with my closest friends when they recognized it and told me just to stop it!  

So then the question is, how do you redefine your relationship with yourself to reduce self-sabotage?

Ultimately it started with me digging deep into the murky waters of exploring MY why, and let me tell you, sister, it's a bit like going through your mental junk drawer – messy, but oh-so-liberating- when you find that favorite stirring spoon!! :)

Now, I'm not saying it's a cakewalk either, but I want to encourage you to give yourself permission to uncover and dive deeper into the layers of your thought patterns, behaviors, emotions, and belief systems and if I can be honest, our childhood experiences play a vast role in pulling on our heart strings as adults, and the emotional baggage that we carry.. But take the time to self-reflect,  to understand -and don’t be afraid to ask yourself tough & honest questions about your fears, insecurities, and the narratives you've internalized. 

Questions like– What scares you? What makes you doubt yourself? What stories have you been telling yourself since you were a child/teen/ young adult/adult?

Sis, do yourself this favor and identify the unhealthy and toxic patterns in your behavior and thoughts that contribute to self-sabotage. 

Once you start connecting the dots, you’ll gain a sense of peace, clarity, and self-compassion on the underlying & unaddressed issues.  Understand that everyone has vulnerabilities and areas for growth. Embrace your imperfections without judgment- and bottom line:

— EXTEND YOURSELF GRACE SIS, and give yourself permission to create a new narrative and a new relationship with yourself!

Next, I want you to:

• Harness the Power of Affirmations: Words matter, lovebug- and they shape our identities! Create positive affirmations that resonate with you and repeat them like your life depends on it. Affirmations shape our worlds, and speaking positivity into your existence can be a game-changer.

• Identify What Fuels You: Start by figuring out what makes you tick. Is it a quiet morning with a book? A quick run? Identifying these little joys can be a game-changer.

• Set REAL and Hard Boundaries Like a Boss: Yes, you love your family and your job, but where do you draw the line? Learn to say no and mean it. Your time and energy are precious.

• Create a Selfish Routine: Yes, I said selfish. Dedicate time to YOU. Go to the movies, go out to eat. Do something you’ve always wanted, but your partner refused (oops!)

• Celebrate Your Wins, Sis- even the tiniest ones- they all count, and they all matter: Got through a hectic day without losing your cool? Celebrate that! Acknowledging your daily victories is a form of self-love.

• Connect with Like-Minded Women: There's strength in solidarity. Find your circle and lean on them. Sharing experiences can be incredibly healing.

• Seek Therapy- Listennnnn Sis, therapy can be a crucial part of your redefining journey. Therapists can provide a safe space for inner healing, helping you untangle the web of thoughts and emotions that contribute to self-sabotage and can also help you gain healthy coping mechanisms and develop a deeper understanding of your identity, and purpose as you explore getting to the answers of your Why?

Lastly, I want you to:

Consider this sis, God sees you as a masterpiece, a work of art crafted with intention and purpose. Embracing this truth can be a powerful anchor, steering you away from the self-sabotage storm. Recognize that your value is not determined by external validation or societal standards; it's rooted in a divine love that surpasses all understanding, even when we fall short.

Understanding and accepting your identity in God's eyes can be a game-changer. It provides a solid foundation, a rock to stand on when the winds of self-doubt start flaring up, and trust me, just when you think you’ve mastered being steady- here come those racing thoughts.

So, take time to explore scriptures and messages that affirm your worth in God's eyes, and allow your thoughts to be aligned with the truth that sets you free. Trust in His love, and watch as it transforms how you see yourself. 

This journey is about tuning in to your needs, understanding what fulfillment looks like for you, and taking the necessary steps to find your joy and rediscover yourself again – however small – towards that every day. Remember, it's not about being selfish; it's about being self-aware. It's about recognizing that you're just as important as anyone else.

And guess what?

The more you invest in this relationship with yourself, the more you'll find your patience, passion, peace, and abundant JOY!.

Remember, Sis, it's never too late or too early to start this journey of self-discovery and love. Whether you're 20, 50, or 79, you have every right to redefine your relationship with yourself and live a life that's as vibrant and fulfilling as you are!

Hearts and Sparks,

Demi